re: My cabinet post

Nov. 14, 2008

Dear John Podesta:

How are things in Washington? Busy, I'm sure! Of course, it's probably a "good sort of busy," and I can certainly understand why you've not yet had a chance to reply to my e-mail of Nov. 5 (Subject line: "GREETINGS FROM YOUR NEXT SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES!").

To advance the matter just a bit while I've got your attention, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about it since the election, and I just want you to know that I'm not "married" in any way to the HHS posting. I just thought, you know, that since HHS isn't the "sexiest" appointment there "inside the Beltway," maybe you might be open to volunteers. I looked it up online and found out that the current HHS secretary is some guy from Utah named Michael Leavitt. So there's my point. The bar's been set pretty low.

But, like I said, it doesn't have to be Health and Human Services. Honestly, I'd kinda prefer if it wasn't, because -- and I'm gonna be real blunt, here, John:  WHAT A SNOOZEFEST! Secretary of Agriculture is like an all-access weekend pass to Sundance compared to Health and Human Services. 

In reviewing my original e-mail, though, I think part of the problem may have been that I did a poor job of explaining my qualifications. No. 1, I blogged about President-Elect Obama a bunch of times, and was one of the first million people to embed that Will.i.am "Yes We Can" video (it ROCKED!). Plus I told everybody to just chill the fuck out back in August or September, back when everybody was freaking out about the polls. And that proved to be highly effective, since everybody DID in fact chill out, paving the way to our big election day win.

And maybe I failed to sufficiently stress that I donated more than $200 to the campaign, which, judging to the way people talk about all of Barack's $5 and $10 donations, I figure puts me in the top 3 or 4 percent of his fat-cat supporters. So yes, I speak the international language of moo-la.

Does this make me cabinet-level material? I don't know. Sometimes I begin to doubt my qualifications -- and when that happens I just remind myself of two words: "Dirk Kempthorne." Secretary of the Interior. No. 8 on your "line of Presidential Succession" cheat-sheet. Think anybody's lining up to bid for his rookie card on eBay? I mean seriously: Dirk Fucking Kempthorne. What an asshole.

Would I be interested in an undersecretary job? Well, John, it really depends. Undersecretary of WHAT? If it's something like, say, "Undersecretary of the Treasury for Actuarial Policy," then no, I'll probably take a mulligan. But Undersecretary of Defense for Tanks, if you've got such a position, would be perfect. If you don't, have you considered adding one? I see this as a win-win for everybody.

In closing, these are challenging times for our nation, and America needs people who can step in and get things moving in government BEFORE Day 1 of the Obama administration. Given that I am kind of  between jobs at the moment, I can say, without fear of contradiction: I am those people.

Yours Democratically (with the big D, not the little one, signifying party affiliation),

Dan (Xark!) Conover

Comments

[Sue]

Um, didja look at that 7-page application form? You got any "controversial" posts? As long as we're filling out forms, what's the MOST controversial thing you think you've ever "said" online?

[Daniel]

Forms are for "the little people." I'm a DONOR, Sue. Try to get that through your thick skull, you commie.

As per your question: Great leaders don't fear controversy. Gotta break eggs to make omelets, right? But I have compiled this list, for use in my "vetting process" (which is stupid on its face, since their own Army records show that I've been a vet ever since 1988):

No. 10: "Dave Winer? He's a big pussy!" (March 5, 2006)

No. 9: "Enough weenie-talk! Everybody needs to admit, right now, that Don Rumsfeld is RIGHT!" (July 14, 2003)

No. 8: "I know more about football that Bill Belichick, no matter how he spells his name." (Dec. 5, 2005)

No. 7: "Sarah Palin? Rhymes with 'Failin'' TAKE THAT AND CHOKE ON IT, GOP!"

No. 6: "Mmmm... Mylie Cyrus" (April 21, 2008)

No. 5. "If I were Lisa, I'd be, you know, a little worried about Ed spending so much time with this Luna person. And I mean like hire-a-private-detective worried, if you get my meaning." (Oct. 17, 2007)

No. 4. "You know what Santa Claus can do with that North Pole of his? (Dec. 26, 2007)

No. 3. "Janet keeps telling everyone she 'had' Robert Scoble in her car. Whoa." (Oct. 20, 2008)

No. 2: "Face it, Professor Sloop: You, sir, are a DOODYHEAD." (Nov. 14, 2008)

No. 1. REMOVED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

[Daniel]

Received this Tweet:

"rth @xarker You can have your Washington job. Give me an ambassadorship to, say, the Marshall Islands. Think about it: DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY. "

Reprobate.

[ncwatterson]

That photo is awesome. I can't quit laughing..

[Joyce Sasser]

Prodigy!Oh my....I'm with Nancy! Your sister will be so proud.....Let us know when you are making the move ....Washington will never be the same! M

[JanetLee]

Oh joy! I donated about $400. Yeah, baaabeee, finally in the top percent of something! Happy dance!

[Pam]

Hilarious.

Doodyhead? I'm using that one. TOMORROW.

[Jeff Tompkins]

Absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the much needed laughs this morning.

"I am those people." Priceless.

[Daniel]

CRUCIAL UPDATE: Writer and sex blogger Susie Bright has ALSO PUT IN FOR MY HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES APPOINTMENT.

Or, rather, Laura Flanders put her in for it in The Nation.

Obama's not making the big policy appointments yet. But what if he did? Bush put an affirmative action opponent--the former dean of the Pat Robertson School of Government in charge of The White House Office of Personnel Management. At the Administration For Children and Families, Bush named a man who spent a decade fighting domestic violence and child custody laws. To head up the Advisory Committee for Reproductive Health Drugs at FDA, Bush named a physician who refused to discuss contraception with unwed women.

To come close to any of that, Obama would have to name sex radical Susie Bright for Health and Human Services, tree-sitter Julia Butterfly Hill for EPA. Dennis Kucinich for Secretary of State. Treasury? Jamie Galbraith. Defense? Trumping the criminal warmongering of Donald Rumsfeld would take a pacifist lawbreaker way to the extreme of Cindy Sheehan.

Ms. Bright is a fine human being, an excellent writer, and yes, she did send me a free copy of her new book, X: The Erotic Treasury after I included her in the Xark banner. And yes, I'm planning to get around to writing about this book, which is a collection of very hot short stories about .... well, it's just a very good book...

But friendship and admiration aside, this is business. So BACK OFF, BRIGHT! I put in for HHS FIRST.

[Daniel]

OK, Tom Daschle gets HHS.

My feelings are a little hurt, but you know, the guy needs work. I'm cool with it. Serenity now, serenity now...