Nov. 14, 2008
Dear John Podesta:
How are things in Washington? Busy, I'm sure! Of course, it's probably a "good sort of busy," and I can certainly understand why you've not yet had a chance to reply to my e-mail of Nov. 5 (Subject line: "GREETINGS FROM YOUR NEXT SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES!").
To advance the matter just a bit while I've got your attention, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about it since the election, and I just want you to know that I'm not "married" in any way to the HHS posting. I just thought, you know, that since HHS isn't the "sexiest" appointment there "inside the Beltway," maybe you might be open to volunteers. I looked it up online and found out that the current HHS secretary is some guy from Utah named Michael Leavitt. So there's my point. The bar's been set pretty low.
But, like I said, it doesn't have to be Health and Human Services. Honestly, I'd kinda prefer if it wasn't, because -- and I'm gonna be real blunt, here, John: WHAT A SNOOZEFEST! Secretary of Agriculture is like an all-access weekend pass to Sundance compared to Health and Human Services.
In reviewing my original e-mail, though, I think part of the problem may have been that I did a poor job of explaining my qualifications. No. 1, I blogged about President-Elect Obama a bunch of times, and was one of the first million people to embed that Will.i.am "Yes We Can" video (it ROCKED!). Plus I told everybody to just chill the fuck out back in August or September, back when everybody was freaking out about the polls. And that proved to be highly effective, since everybody DID in fact chill out, paving the way to our big election day win.
And maybe I failed to sufficiently stress that I donated more than $200 to the campaign, which, judging to the way people talk about all of Barack's $5 and $10 donations, I figure puts me in the top 3 or 4 percent of his fat-cat supporters. So yes, I speak the international language of moo-la.
Does this make me cabinet-level material? I don't know. Sometimes I begin to doubt my qualifications -- and when that happens I just remind myself of two words: "Dirk Kempthorne." Secretary of the Interior. No. 8 on your "line of Presidential Succession" cheat-sheet. Think anybody's lining up to bid for his rookie card on eBay? I mean seriously: Dirk Fucking Kempthorne. What an asshole.
Would I be interested in an undersecretary job? Well, John, it really depends. Undersecretary of WHAT? If it's something like, say, "Undersecretary of the Treasury for Actuarial Policy," then no, I'll probably take a mulligan. But Undersecretary of Defense for Tanks, if you've got such a position, would be perfect. If you don't, have you considered adding one? I see this as a win-win for everybody.
In closing, these are challenging times for our nation, and America needs people who can step in and get things moving in government BEFORE Day 1 of the Obama administration. Given that I am kind of between jobs at the moment, I can say, without fear of contradiction: I am those people.
Yours Democratically (with the big D, not the little one, signifying party affiliation),
Dan (Xark!) Conover