There are lengthier lists. There are worse songs (apparently, something called The Christmas Shoes is so astoundingly horrible that if you hear it in your sleep and don't wake up before the last verse, you die). And granted, I tend to stay at home and shop over teh Interwebs just to avoid bad Christmas music in stores. But these three songs are just goddamn EVERYWHERE, and they sap my will to live.
Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys: There is vapid. There is cloying. There is crassly trading on your usual schtick in a cutesy way that holds your audience in utter contempt for the sake of strip-mining them of cash. And then there is The Little Saint Nick. God punished Brian Wilson for writing this song by crushing his soul, making him fat and putting him on house arrest from 1968 to 1985.
Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney. Former Beatle John Lennon did Merry Christmas/War is Over and got murdered. Paul McCartney did Wonderful Christmastime and we're still waiting.
Step Into Christmas by Elton John. Of course, John didn't actually write the lyrics. Bernie Taupin bears that stain. But John did write the music and sing the words, and under South Carolina law, the hand of one is the hand of all.
Step into Christmas bears the distinction of being a Christmas song that's not even about Christmas in any discernible way. In fact, it might be the laziest greed-inspired swipe at feigning interest in a topic ever recorded.
I'd like to thank you for the year
So I'm sending you this Christmas card
To say it's nice to have you here
I'd like to sing about all the things
Your eyes and mind can see
So hop aboard the turntable
Oh step into Christmas with me(ohh)
Really? I've known crack whores who make more of an effort than that.
Once upon a time there were evil record company executives who seduced pop stars into writing shitty Christmas songs to make a quick buck. The world does not miss them.