It seems that Jack Bauer shouldn't put away those, um, "Instruments of Interrogation" just yet. He's been given a two day lease on life. The producers are promising to "re-create" the series, meaning that just about everything and everyone except Jack will be jettisoned -- including using Los Angeles as the show's setting.
This is a fairly radical step for a show that, in its history, has shown an intense resistance to format changes. So, how to pass the time? Jack has tortured members from just about every profession and ethnicity known to humanity, and faced just about every kind of "big ticket" crisis possible. (Well, as long as "crisis" means something that can center around a group of people holed up in a dank warehouse/industrial facility.) What to do? I thought perhaps we might help out Fox & Friends by offering some suggestions about how Jack should spend his next 24 hours. Some starter suggestions.... (Doot Deet Doot)
- After undergoing a surgical procedure and hormone treatments, Jack shows up to the 8am CTU briefing in a dress and introduces himself as "Jacquelyn Bauer." 23h 55m of awkwardness ensues.
- Jack is flying coach on a United Airlines flight out of Chicago, trying to get to Kim's wedding to C. Thomas Howell . He spends the next 24 hours on the tarmac waiting to take off.
- Jack wakes up one morning and just starts torturing everyone he sees. The Fed Ex guy, his neighbor, the old woman walking her cat ... everyone. He figures that, par for the course of his life, it will all connect back together at some point. No matter what random series of violent actions he undertakes, he always prevails. Stephen King writes a column in EW defending the season as the best book he's ever written.
- Hour 1: Jack pigs out on pizza, beer, and ice cream. Hours 2-24: He sleeps. Just sleeps. I mean, he's earned it.
- Donald Sutherland joins the cast as Jack's "for real" father, revealing James Cromwell's "dad" to have been a fake! Spoiler: The climax comes when Jack is pointing a gun at his two fathers, who must convince Jack of their true paternalism by having an under-acting contest. The first one to put Jack to sleep wins.
- (Keep in mind that Kiefer is also a producer on the show, so he is getting a big pile of money with this renewal, and may be inclined to just "cash in."). Next season's "24": President Palmer believes Sweden is threatening freedom. He sends Jack Bauer to investigate a possible plot involving hot tubs, vodka, and models. Casting change: Rick Schroeder is replaced as Jack's sidekick by Charlie Sheen.
- A clips show: Jack slips getting out of the tub and goes into a coma. The next 23 hours are spent showing scenes from the previous seasons of 24, including the ones where Dennis Hopper tried to speak with an accent.
- As part of his sensitivity training, Jack is required to sit down with journalists from MS. Magazine to explain why CTU is such a hostile environment for female employees, visitors, and family members. Gunfire is exchanged from both sides of the table before the day is out.
- Jack has to infiltrate "American Idol" in order to find out who is killing American music. He "interrogates" Simon, Paula, and Randy. None survive, but the music lives on. America determines if justice was served by a special call-in vote (charges apply).
- To save on production costs, Kiefer takes over duties as head writer. The new plot: Jack takes on China and Russia by himself. And wins. In two hours.
- Toni, David Palmer, Michele, Curtis, Graham, Jack's first wife, that guy who got shot in the head two weeks ago, and all the other dead from 24 wake up on a seemingly deserted island, strewn amongst the wreckage of a crashed airliner. None remember how they got there, or why. Perhaps they are in purgatory? Soon, they meet a group of survivors from another crashed airline, headed by a short-haired, whiny spinal surgeon with a penchant for exotic tattoos. Strangely, this group of "Others" are decidedly not in Purgatory. No one knows if they have 24 hours left or not because there appears to be endless daylight on the island as long as something needs to take place outdoors (the indoor buildings they discover are all suspiciously underlit). In the end, it turns out it was just a dream, and St. Elsewhere never really existed.
- After years of getting by undetected, a routine performance evaluation reveals that the reason why Chloe reads everything to Jack over the phone is that Jack is an adult illiterate (this comes at hour six). President Palmer is just about to issue Jack a pardon that would allow him to continue his job, only to discover that no one is actually watching such a ridiculous plotline, so everyone goes home after raiding the free buffet.
Well, those are just some possible plotlines. I'm sure there many of you have been working on some ideas for the next two "days" as well. Maybe you'd like to share them? Fox needs our help!
Citing the Tony Snow "cancer" cover story ("Please, God, get me out of this job!") as its official motivation, the Bush Administration appoints Bauer as its new spokesman. Helen Thomas is the first to die (Hour 2).
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With new cast-members Antonio Banderas, Eddie Murphy and Cameron Diaz along for the ride as his loveable sidekicks, Bauer tortures cartoon character Dora the Explorer after she's caught "exploring" a little too close to a sensitive government facility (a USGS cartography office).
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Jack figures out that he's the biggest, baddest mo-fo in the valley, and finally has an inevitable epiphany: Why is he serving the government instead of running the government? He considers running for the presidency but dumps that idea when his campaign advisers inform him that elections take longer than 24 hours. So instead he just pulls off a coup.
Posted by: Daniel | Monday, May 21, 2007 at 09:02