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Wednesday, May 30, 2007


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No offside in soccer. Take away offside and all of a sudden players are sneaking in behind the defense for back door passes, just like basketball. Scores would be much higher, and maybe folks like Sloop (judging by his snarky parenthetical about soccer) find the sport a little less dull.


Football: I'd do away with the no assistance in forward progress rule. Then every team could hire a midget tail back for short yardage situations. Snap the ball, handoff to midget, toss midget over the D-line and BAM! You got yerself a first down AND flying midgets.

Can't lose.

NASCAR: Build racetracks to Hot Wheel specs. I'm talking flaming hoops, figure eights, and ramps...LOTS of ramps.


I don't remember being against meme-type posts. Apparently I was against it before I was for it? Well, it's entirely possible, but if it was, I don't know what I was thinking. Must have been drinking at the time...

So, rules changes:

In football, the Arena League has it right about pre-snap motion. In the NFL, everybody has to be set for a beat before the snap (there's a slight exception, but let's not quibble). In Arena ball, one of the backs and receivers is allowed to be moving toward the line of scrimmage before the snap, giving that player a running start to get into a pass pattern.

That's a huge advantage to the offense, which would require an adjustment in defensive philosophy and a change in the way players read and interpret the pre-snap gamesmanship.

The midget-tossing scheme wouldn't work, because you'd just assign players to go high like volleyball defenders at the net and whack the midget back.

Baseball: Dump the infield fly rule. Just because.

Soccer: I completely agree on the offsides rule. Put the longball back in football.

Also: Basketball instituted a three-second rule to open up the lane, which had become the province of hulking giants. The game got faster and more athletic. What if you instituted something similar in soccer to keep all the defenders from just clogging up the area in front of the net during attacks?

Hockey: No more "icing." Because I can't remember what it means.

Basketball: This is the sport in dire need of rescue. Reason: It's not that the players are hip-hop blacks -- it's that the speed of the game has increased to the point now where your average guard has like 4.3 speed. I watch college ball and it's like watching a footrace, with track stars pushing the ball upcourt to create numbers advantages. This is exciting, to a point, but if height is alienating to some fans, so is that kind of speed. Basketball used to be ruled by graceful and creative playmakers, and there was a place for the "skills" players who, though they lacked athletic numbers, were so adept at ballhandling, or shooting, or moving without the ball, that they were a huge part of the game.

So let's make anybody who is faster than me wear ankle weights at all time on the court.


Basketball (NBA): Loss of first round draft picks for three years for any team that whines about the results of the draft lottery. I'm talking to you, Jerry West. (Did anyone hear the last-place Trail Blazers complain in 2006 when they ended up with the fourth pick?)

And while we're at it, revocation of press credentials (also for three years) of any journalist who claims good players going to west coast teams is bad for the NBA.


I would just like to request that football make sense. I understand what's going on in any other major sport, but when I'm forced to watch football I'm asking my husband a half dozen times "Why did they stop the game?" "There's actually a rule against that?" "Are they just assigning points randomly?" "Why didn't that count?" "What the hell are they doing now?"

I would also like to see any player who's grossly reckless (like, say, clotheslining an opponent at the neck mid-jump) to be publically tarred and feathered, although I appreciate the visible scorn fellow team mates expressed last time I saw it happen.

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