Xark!

The Laws of Combat: They're not just for G.I.s anymore

I heard a bunch of these back in the Army, and today there are multiple lists that purport to be The Laws of Combat. Most of these lists include plenty of rendundant, overly clever "laws" I never heard in uniform, and I'm generally not impressed by them. 

 

So this is my edit, the way I remember things. I like to think of it as the fatalistic-but-still-grinning core of the LoC, with winking grunt wisdom that extends beyond combat to life in general.

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.
• Teamwork is essential. It gives them someone else to shoot at.
• If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed AT you.
• The enemy diversion you've been ignoring is their main attack.
• A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to take a break.
• If your attack is going well, it's an ambush.
• Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing.
• If you build a position that's tough for the enemy to get into, you won't be able to get out of it.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• When you've secured an area, be sure to tell the enemy.
• Never forget that the equipment on which your life depends was all manufactured by the lowest bidder.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Never: Stand when you can sit; sit when you can lie down; stay awake when you can go to sleep.
• A grenade with a seven-second fuse will go off in four.
• If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

And lastly, as a special bonus:

The Five Stages of a Military Operation:

1. Enthusiasm; 
2. Disillusioment; 
3. The search for the guilty; 
4. The punishment of the innocent; 
5. Praise and honors for the non-participants.

The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (script)

 

If you haven't seen this one before, where have you been? And even if you have seen it, you might not have noticed how it's taken over the world, selling more T-shirts than Old Navy and prompting half the people in America under the age of 30 to say at least once, "honey badger don't care." Based solely on his access to the brains of our young, this guy Randall, who does new voiceovers for old nature videos, is one of the most influential men in the United States.

But what else does he say? Since I couldn't find a script online, I decided to transcribe it. So I do all the work, like the honey badger, and you come around and pick up the scraps."Thanks for the script, stupid!"

This is the honey badger. Watch it run in slow motion.

It's pretty badass. Look. It runs all over the place. "Whoa! Watch out!" says that bird.

Eew, it's got a snake! Oh! It's chasing a jackal! Oh my gosh!

The Armstrong & Miller RAF sketches

How blessed are you?

Krztory? Krzyzewski Krzucks

This image is from Gordon Shumway's Flickrstream, via the always amazing essdogg.

re: My cabinet post

Nov. 14, 2008

Dear John Podesta:

How are things in Washington? Busy, I'm sure! Of course, it's probably a "good sort of busy," and I can certainly understand why you've not yet had a chance to reply to my e-mail of Nov. 5 (Subject line: "GREETINGS FROM YOUR NEXT SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES!").

To advance the matter just a bit while I've got your attention, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about it since the election, and I just want you to know that I'm not "married" in any way to the HHS posting. I just thought, you know, that since HHS isn't the "sexiest" appointment there "inside the Beltway," maybe you might be open to volunteers. I looked it up online and found out that the current HHS secretary is some guy from Utah named Michael Leavitt. So there's my point. The bar's been set pretty low.

Grow a pair

An important message from Barrack Obama

XARK TV: 2007 MFL Draft review show

2007 MFL Draft in review from Dan Conover on Vimeo.

This week's XARK TV episode isn't for everyone, but if you're a fantasy football player and/or a member of the Manly Football League, give this one a try.

The MFL will hold its 18th draft on Aug. 23. Not bad for a bunch of newsies from Waynesville, N.C.

Eddie Izzard's Psychological Inner Peace

On Friday night, my Bonnie and I attended Eddie Izzard’s “Stripped” performance at the Ryman Auditorium.  Having been a dedicated fan since actually catching his “Dress to Kill” show on HBO several years back (even given my disappointment with some of the other performances available on DVD), it was with great anticipation that we took our seats. 

Izzard did not disappoint.  Pound for pound, the guy is the funniest man on the planet, and for almost two full hours, my stomach hurt.  When I wasn’t looking at Bonnie to see if she “got the joke,” I was banging my arm on the chair in front of me as a form of physical relief. 

Izzard’s performance worked for any number of reasons.  First, there was something especially delicious and slightly ironic about watching him in this former church and former home of the Grand Ole Opry.  Given his general left of center views, his engaged dismissal of religious based explanations of almost anything, and his occasion forays into transvestism, there is simply something rather non-Rymanesque about Izzard (well, on second glance, the transvestim fits elements of both country music and religion).  I felt it, and the entire audience understood it as well.  This was one of those magical moments when the setting itself made us all feel like we were part of a conspiracy.  With that as a starting point, Izzard had us as soon as the lights went down.  And with his quick pacing, he never let go.